Of Lost Bracelets and Cookie Crumbs...

Today, I learned an important lesson. No matter how hard you try to erase the pain from your mind, no matter how hard you try to forget why you're in pain, it's gonna come to you. And it ain't gonna be pretty.

I woke up this morning full of hope, and just a bit nervous about what would come. I didn't know why, but I felt like everything was going to be okay. Then I saw it. Lying there on my bedroom counter, its rhinestone initial peircing my soul, standing in my attention like a scarlet letter. That damn bracelet. I stared at it for a minute, trying to decide whether to pick it up and wear it, pretending nothing happened, or toss it across the room and hope to God and Satan I'd never see it again.

Instead, I left it. I left it and forgot it.

I walked away smiling, feeling a bit of triumph that I didn't cry.

And I didn't. I made it to 2:31PM without crying. I made it to my mid-afternoon snack without so much as a sniffle. Cookies and milk.

*Plunk*

Why did my cookie crumble into my milk? Why does everything in my life have to go wrong? Can't I have a chocolate chip cookie and a glass of milk without everything going straight to.... Well, crap. Now, swimming in the milk, tears accompany my cookie crumbs. Don't ask me why, but it happened.

I ran to the bathroom and cried for ten minutes. Over cookie crumbs and a bracelet.

Now it's 4:38PM on a Monday afternoon, and I'm sitting here wondering what tragedy will overcome me next. Perhaps a fly? Or maybe there will be no ice in the fridge? There's no telling when you're psycho like me.

When is it gonna end? I wish I knew.

When it does, maybe I can live a life without tears.


Love, Pai

The Life of an Emo Teen Girl

My name is Paige Avril Swift, and I have been living with undiagnosed depression (and, from what I've been told by my ex-boyfriends, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder) since I was 14.

I've never known my father, and my mother abandoned me when I was 2 years old to go live a life of marijuana and lesbianism; I was raised by my controlling grandmother and have a hate for her that burns like fire in hell.

I came to IRC in 2008 in search of friendship and love. I was cast out by many and called a slut, attention whore, and so much more. I nearly lost my life in those days; but in spite of that I gained more than I'd ever dreamed: I gained a family.

In the year and a half I have been online, I have "adopted" parents, siblings, uncles, and children. These people have kept me alive.

I am 16 now, and while I still struggle through life, I am better now than I was. I credit my life and whatever happiness I have to those adoptive family members and friends who have stood by me and gave me more love than I had ever believed possible.

In later posts, I will address issues of depression, emotions, love, loss, and other issues facing people like me. I will also use this blog as a personal diary to let people know my emotions as I go through life. This blog is not meant to whine about my emotions, or to draw sympathy, but rather to publicize my story in hopes of helping others in my situation, even if it's just to let them know they're not alone, and to thank those who have helped me through the tough times in my life.

You'll never know how much you mean to me.


Love, Pai