Rockin' 'N' Ridin' For A Cause

Hey kids,

Are you ready for a good time? Then get ready for BACA Nation.

The Four Horsmen of BACA Nation bring the best of biker rock and a hell of a good time every week on their radio show, syndicated on several radio stations and live worldwide at http://www.bacanation.com.

But Guru, Caveman, JoJo, and the Resident S.O.B. aren't just bikers. They're bikers with a cause, as members of Bikers Against Child Abuse (BACA), an organization devoted to preventing child abuse and lending support to abuse victims.

I usually don't advertise in my blog, but I made an exception here because this is just too great. I'm a great admirer of what they do, and a huge fan of their show. I hope once you give them a try, you'll agree, and spread the word about BACA and take a stand along with them in the fight against child abuse.

Love, Pai

Ooooh what does this button do?

Ooooh what does this button do?

Answer here

Dontcha just hate it when I'm so awesome I can't hardly stand it?

Dontcha just hate it when I'm so awesome I can't hardly stand it?

Answer here

Anger, Love, and the Future

Hey kids. I haven't blogged in a while, and I'm a bit rusty. So, without further adieu, let's rock this thing.

Since my last post, I have had a lot of bat shit thrown in my general direction. But I was never allowed to fight back. I mean, after all, for not to enjoy fully every heartbreak, that's some sort of crime!

A so-called "family member" I hadn't seen since Christmas 2008 has a stroke. I visit him in the hospital, and he doesn't even have enough appreciation for me to call and let me know he was going home.

Be happy about that, PaiPai.

My most recent ex tells me that, when we were together, while I was making excuses for him, making myself believe that he did care for me, he was just busy. . . . He didn't want to tell me how he was feeling either. I suppose I didn't deserve to know.

Smile anyway, Paigey.

My grandmother. Well, do I even need to explain her?

Revel in the beauty of it, Paigester.

And the future doesn't look so bright either, except for one thing. One beautiful, delightful, perfect thing.

When I think of what career I might have, I see myself working hard and never having time for the things I enjoy. I see myself hating my job and my life.

When I think of myself in a relationship, I see me getting dumped again, like always, and trying to deal with the pain.

But when I think of me with my friends, I see everything falling into place. I see my sisters, brothers, mom, daughter, and all my adoptive family and friends; this tight-knit group, like a spider's web, intertwining pieces that stay together and stay strong, even when they're hanging by a tiny string.

I see myself happy. I see everything I ever wanted.

And that, kids, is what keeps me going.

Love, Pai

:o nuuuuu that other person wasn't me :o pwomish

XD

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

I can't find 'em on the net :'(

i now know ur identity!

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

Would you, could you, with a goat?

Sometimes.

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

;P where's the naked pics then?

All over the net.

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

;) i'm your secret lover, who would love to see some naked pics

Oh. In that case, Sure you can, Angus!

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

Let's say you have a turtle and a taco... who would you grope, and why?

taco. b/c taco also means cunt.

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

What makes you happy?

friends like u <3

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

k. when your grandparent opened the door...what were you doing?

dancing around naked.

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

What is it like to have a wolf as a bf? Does his penis hurt?

Not that much. But he does have a tendency to bite.

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

Would you could you with a fox?

Hell yeah

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

can i have naked pics? ;)

Depends, who are you?

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

What's your favourite colour? How do you want to die? What's your favourite song? Cake or pie? Apple or cherry? Oil or cream? Who do you love? Who do you hate? Do you consider yourself a good singer? Do you like to swim? What's your favourite sport? o:

Pink n black? suicide? pie? apple? LOL U SED CREME? my family n bf? my rl family n ex's? no but i sing anyway? kinda? sex? :OOO

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

What's your favourite colour? How do you want to die? What's your favourite song? Cake or pie? Apple or cherry? Oil or cream? Who do you love? Who do you hate? Do you consider yourself a good singer? Do you like to swim? What's your favourite sport? o:

pink n black? suicide? at the moment Carrie Underwood - Temporary Home? Pie? Apple? LOL you said cream? My net family and my bf? My rl family and my ex's? No but I still like to sing? Sometimes? Sex? :OOOO

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

Would you rather have a million dollars, or a million friends?

a million dollars. if i had a million friends theyd be fake. and i love the real friends i already have <3

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

Bornf chernt.

Ok then

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

Would you be offended if I said I wanted to use your ass as a bongo drum?

o_o depends on who the hell you are XD

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

How do you want to die? :p

suicide :P

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

Would you rather have the ability to fly, or the ability to breathe underwater?

well i can already hold my breath for long periods of time 69FTW so I don't need that. ill flyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy awayyyyyyyyy

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

Favourite musician?

Angus Young

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

Blargag?

thats so effin hot

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

What are your thoughts on the BP oil spill?

Obama sux.

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

Do you love me? :D

I DO!

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

Shitting dick nipples?

Mayhaps.

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

Who's the smartest person you know?

ME! :P

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

Would you rather be a famous musician or a famous actor?

musician.

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

Can I ask myself a question?

OMG I CAN!!!

Do I really feel, or is this all just a nightmare?

Back In Black

Whew, it's so good to be back.

I so missed being connected like normal. I hope it never happens again, my lovelies.

In my absence, it's been boring. While there wasn't much exciting stuff happening, though, I can't help gushing about three things: my newly adopted daughter, Lynn, and my new boyfriend, Adam, and lastly, my discovery of BACA Nation, part of the Bikers Against Child Abuse organization. Thanks to my Okie cousin for that last one :)

I love you guys. I promise I'll be blogging more soon when I have more time.

Love, Pai

Is It Worth It?

Is it really worth it to tell the truth if it makes you lose everything? Because it might.

So, lying is the right way to go then? Actually, no. That'll cost you everything too.

Everything you say, everything you do, puts you at risk to lose everything you love. Whether it's money, friendship, love. . . Or even life. . . You could lose it before you even really know what you lost.

The easy solution seems to be, keep it all locked up inside. Keep everyone out, and if they never know how you feel, or if you even feel anything, maybe you won't lose them. Maybe you'll be safe. And, who knows, maybe that's true.

But then won't you be losing yourself? If nobody ever gets close to you, maybe you won't feel the hurt of losing them, but you won't feel the joy of having them to begin with. And how can you just keep your real self from the people you love? Shouldn't they wan't to know who you really are?

Some do, and some don't.

I think it's a cycle in life, you're going to lose some people you love no matter what you do. And you're always going to screw up, saying the wrong thing at the same time. There are always going to be regrets and sadness in life, just as there are always going to be happiness and love.

The only thing you can do is hope the ones you love will be understanding, and apologize for those times you lose control.

It's tough, but it's life. And life is a hard thing to deal with. But is it worth it?

. . . Let me get back to you on that one.

Love, Pai.

Be My Valentine

I know Valentine's Day was yesterday, but you never can get the full effect of how the day went until it's over, right?

I celebrated Valentine's Day by crying my eyes out after getting dumped the day before.

My mom celebrated Valentine's Day by getting high, and ending up needing paramedics.

My sister celebrated Valentine's Day by eating Mini-Wheats and getting ready for her gallstone surgery (which, by the way, happened today.)

Great holiday, don't you think? No candy, no flowers, no romance. Just pain, boredom, and disappointment.

This month, I actually considered leaving all social networking, including email and IRC. And if it weren't for the guilt of leaving the few friends I have who actually seem to want me here, I would have.

I guess I should be happy. Today, I got the best news I've gotten all month. I got named one of the "Freaks Of The Day" by a Facebook fan page called "if people could hear what i was thinking they would think im a freak (:."

Which, actually, was pretty cool.

Though it makes me wonder. . . . What does that say about me? Something to think about, I guess.

But hey, when my life is this pathetic, at least I can always look forward to more of one of my favorite past times: spewing sarcasm.

Isn't that just lovely?

Love, Pai

One Of *THOSE* Days. . .

You ever wonder why you even get up in the morning? Yeah me too. Why not just lie in the little corner I woke up with til I die? Nobody really cares anyway. My boyfriend seems to think I've left him, and never loved him (which is odd, considering ever since I found out he was leaving IRC, I've been completely out of my mind), and it seems like everyone's turning against me. What's the goddamn point when it's like that?

I've been considering leaving IRC, and Facebook, and my blog. I'll give it til the next time I can connect (probably after Valentine's Day, which is going to suck especially bad this year) and then, if things don't turn out, I'm gone.

Just in case that happens, I apologize to my loyal followers - which apparently I have - and to my friends, however few I still have left.

If not, you'll see another blog post as soon as possible.

Love you guys.

Love, Pai

Boredom, Backgrounds, And Blogging About Bollocks.

Okay, so I'm sitting her completely bored and with no idea what to write. Why am I sitting here writing anyway, you ask? What, do I think I'm that important, that people will wanna read my blog, even if it's filled with complete and utter bollocks? What an arrogant prick, who do I think I am, hones--


Woa, woa, hold your horses there. Before we get into name-calling, let's get a few things straight. No, I don't think I'm that important. In fact I seriously doubt anyone even reads this blog. No, I'm not arrogant, I don't think I'm anybody, just another bored emo wanting something to do.


The truth is, I'm just sitting here writing this because I love writing. There's something magical about my fingers touching the keys, and watching my thoughts appear on the screen. I'm addicted to the written word, and I absolutely adore creating it.


So, here's me, blogging, creating written word - even if nobody cares. At least I do.


Boooorrrredddd. What a word. Boredom makes us do insane things, like run around naked, or huff pipe glue (I only sniffed it a little!). For me, it made me climb ontop of my swingset then change my XChat background picture to a picture of emos making out. By the way, what do you think?

It kinda reminds me of me and Jay a little. Not sure why. For one, he doesnt have a nose ring. I'd kick his ass if he did.

Boredom also makes me Google image search. When I'm boredny, or bored + horny, usually porn helps. But today, I was TOTALLY bored. So instead, I Googled for Disney pictures. Ones from cartoons. Also, what the hell, am I obsessed, or does every single picture I see look like me and Jay?

Oh well. Either way, it's adorable. I love you Jay!

Love, Pai

First Kiss, Flawless, Fearless.

There I am, in the middle of Belfast, in front of a small pub called O'McBrian's. I'm standing there alone, waiting for the man I love.

He's not here. Why hasn't he come yet? He should be here. He told me he'd meet me here.

The clock keeps ticking. My lovesick eyes find him in everyone who passes me. . . but none of them are him.

Now I'm getting worried. What if he bails? What if he's standing me up? What if this is some cruel joke, and I've went across an entire ocean to get played?

He'll come. He has to. He'll come. . . Won't he? Oh, God, this is really sucking now.

It's been so long. . . Here come the tears. Someone get an umbrella, the waterworks are coming.

Now I'm on the damn dirty ground with my tears flowing like rain. How great is that, huh?

Why am I even doing this? This is such bullsh-- There he is. He's right there in front of me now, wouldn't you know he'd wait until I look so terrib-- And he kisses me. I'm in his arms and he's kissing me. Awesome. This kiss is like. . . I don't have the words to describe it. But this song is in my head:

"Well you stood there with me in the doorway
My hands shake
I'm not usually this way but
You pull me in & I’m a little more brave
It’s the first kiss, it's flawless, really somethin’, it’s fearless"~Taylor Swift

Best. Dream. Ever.

I love ya, Jay. I'm dedicating this post to you.

Love, Pai

Marilyn Monroe & Monty Python

Today, I checked up on Facebook and saw a quote on my sister Phoebe's status that really struck on something golden.

"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." ~Marilyn Monroe.

You know, I think this quote fits both me and my sissy perfectly, along with several other women I know. And you know what else? People that disagree, are completely bullshit. Elvis, Brandon, you're bullshit. Nathan, Steven, Aidan, you're bullshit. Caitlin, Luna, you're bullshit.

It's true. We're awesome. And if you don't think so, well, you suck goats. :)

And as for me, Phoebe, Mom, Josh, and the rest of us amazing people. . . We have our own quote, from the movie Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life:

"And pray there's intelligent life somewhere up in space, 'cause there's bugger
all down here on earth."

Love you guys.

Love, Pai

Lumpiness, Laziness, and Loss (Of Weight.) . . . . (I Hope.)

Okay. Time for another round of "accepting thy fate." Unfortunately, my fate is heading toward becoming a big fat lump of well. . . fat. I barely have any energy recently. Not even enough to PM my IRC friends and converse with them. My favorite jeans don't fit. Hell, I can't even walk up and down my driveway without losing my breath. So after a total mental and physical breakdown today with the realization that I'm actually becoming one of "those" people, I think it's time for a change.

A big one.

Well . . . Maybe not quite that big. I'm a bit of a pussy that way. I don't like exercise and I don't like dieting. Hopefully, small trade-ins will make a big difference. . . Let's see...

Whole-grain wheat bread instead of white. I can do that. Hmm. Quite tasty actually.

Whole-grain crackers with small cheese slices instead of potato chips and hunks of Velveeta. I like cheddar better anyway!

Oh dear. . . my Reese's. . . Not my Reese's! Of all things, please, God, don't take my Reese's!!!!

Hmm. Blueberries. Not bad. Not as good as Reese's. But maybe I can have one cheat day a week. . .

This might not be so bad after all.

That is, as long as I can have my Reese's.

Love, Pai

My Life Would Suck Without You

It's funny how easily moods can change. Sometimes the things you'd expect to be cheerful can make you cry. And sometimes the things you'd expect to rile you into a fight. . . can actually make you smile.

Yesterday, I was sure the moment I woke up that my entire day was going to suck. And it seemed I was right. I hadn't been "allowed" to go online at all for the weekend because of some horrible crime I'd committed, which I can no longer remember. Most likely leaving clothes on the floor, or worse, playing my hand-me-down Gameboy when I should've been helping in the kitchen. Can you imagine my audacity?!

Tired of being treated like a small child and needing some alone time, I went outside to sit under a tree in hopes some angel of a hungry beast would come along and put me out of my misery. Or at least scare the crap out of me.

Just one problem: I forgot my kind of luck. Not the kind that would allow me such a luxury. Oh, no. I have the kind of luck that turns a back doorstep into a broken (for the umpteenth time) tailbone.

Great. Just Goddamn great. Now, I'm pissed off and in excruciating pain. But, there's no stopping to cry for me. Time to take a Tylenol and go to the store.

Midway through the cereal aisle, I was about to break down into tears. Partly from anger, partly from the pain. Damn weak Tylenol never helps. Then I remembered - I had my grandmother's cell phone. I was alone in a store with that fucking tyrant's cell phone. Hah. Maybe my luck isn't so bad after all. Of course there's only one thing left to do. . .

Call my sister. Oh, my sissy. I called her. As she described to me why she was in a fight with her dad, obviously upset, I couldn't help but smile. Not because I was happy that she was upset - of course not. Just to hear her voice. It made me feel so. . . alive. Like it does every time. Like I'm loved, and like I love someone else more than anything in the world.

And, Phoebe, for that I love you, and thank you.

Love, Pai

Finding Myself & Letting Go

Since my last post, things have changed a lot. I've found a new love, gained and lost friends and family. . . and accepted my insanity.

Yeah, I know I'm insane. I'm emo, I'm probably psychopathic, and I'm just plain weird. But for the first time in my life. . . I honestly don't care. I really, really, don't give a fuck about it anymore. There's nothing about me I care about. The only things I care about now are the few friends and family who I still trust and who still give me reason to trust them.

I've learned that the only thing you can ever really care about, are those people who will never let you down. Once you start investing your emotion elsewhere. . . you're gonna get hurt. Bad. Because the truth is, the others you care about don't care about you.

When you give your heart to the wrong person, you get lied to, hacked, broken hearted, kicked to the curb, used, and eventually thrown away and forgotten.

That happened to me. And when it did, I fought back. I fought back until it damn near killed me. I lied and cheated right back at the people who lied to and cheated me. I let go of some of the people I loved most. . . but would never do anything but hurt me. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. . . and I think it hurt worse than anything they could've done.

The only way to deal with that, I find, is to stop caring, and hope that you chose the right friends to trust with your heart. And if I didn't. . . Well I just hope I did.

But no matter what happens, I'm still who I am.

Love, Pai...

The crazy emo bitch.