Anger, Love, and the Future

Hey kids. I haven't blogged in a while, and I'm a bit rusty. So, without further adieu, let's rock this thing.

Since my last post, I have had a lot of bat shit thrown in my general direction. But I was never allowed to fight back. I mean, after all, for not to enjoy fully every heartbreak, that's some sort of crime!

A so-called "family member" I hadn't seen since Christmas 2008 has a stroke. I visit him in the hospital, and he doesn't even have enough appreciation for me to call and let me know he was going home.

Be happy about that, PaiPai.

My most recent ex tells me that, when we were together, while I was making excuses for him, making myself believe that he did care for me, he was just busy. . . . He didn't want to tell me how he was feeling either. I suppose I didn't deserve to know.

Smile anyway, Paigey.

My grandmother. Well, do I even need to explain her?

Revel in the beauty of it, Paigester.

And the future doesn't look so bright either, except for one thing. One beautiful, delightful, perfect thing.

When I think of what career I might have, I see myself working hard and never having time for the things I enjoy. I see myself hating my job and my life.

When I think of myself in a relationship, I see me getting dumped again, like always, and trying to deal with the pain.

But when I think of me with my friends, I see everything falling into place. I see my sisters, brothers, mom, daughter, and all my adoptive family and friends; this tight-knit group, like a spider's web, intertwining pieces that stay together and stay strong, even when they're hanging by a tiny string.

I see myself happy. I see everything I ever wanted.

And that, kids, is what keeps me going.

Love, Pai

Is It Worth It?

Is it really worth it to tell the truth if it makes you lose everything? Because it might.

So, lying is the right way to go then? Actually, no. That'll cost you everything too.

Everything you say, everything you do, puts you at risk to lose everything you love. Whether it's money, friendship, love. . . Or even life. . . You could lose it before you even really know what you lost.

The easy solution seems to be, keep it all locked up inside. Keep everyone out, and if they never know how you feel, or if you even feel anything, maybe you won't lose them. Maybe you'll be safe. And, who knows, maybe that's true.

But then won't you be losing yourself? If nobody ever gets close to you, maybe you won't feel the hurt of losing them, but you won't feel the joy of having them to begin with. And how can you just keep your real self from the people you love? Shouldn't they wan't to know who you really are?

Some do, and some don't.

I think it's a cycle in life, you're going to lose some people you love no matter what you do. And you're always going to screw up, saying the wrong thing at the same time. There are always going to be regrets and sadness in life, just as there are always going to be happiness and love.

The only thing you can do is hope the ones you love will be understanding, and apologize for those times you lose control.

It's tough, but it's life. And life is a hard thing to deal with. But is it worth it?

. . . Let me get back to you on that one.

Love, Pai.

My Life Would Suck Without You

It's funny how easily moods can change. Sometimes the things you'd expect to be cheerful can make you cry. And sometimes the things you'd expect to rile you into a fight. . . can actually make you smile.

Yesterday, I was sure the moment I woke up that my entire day was going to suck. And it seemed I was right. I hadn't been "allowed" to go online at all for the weekend because of some horrible crime I'd committed, which I can no longer remember. Most likely leaving clothes on the floor, or worse, playing my hand-me-down Gameboy when I should've been helping in the kitchen. Can you imagine my audacity?!

Tired of being treated like a small child and needing some alone time, I went outside to sit under a tree in hopes some angel of a hungry beast would come along and put me out of my misery. Or at least scare the crap out of me.

Just one problem: I forgot my kind of luck. Not the kind that would allow me such a luxury. Oh, no. I have the kind of luck that turns a back doorstep into a broken (for the umpteenth time) tailbone.

Great. Just Goddamn great. Now, I'm pissed off and in excruciating pain. But, there's no stopping to cry for me. Time to take a Tylenol and go to the store.

Midway through the cereal aisle, I was about to break down into tears. Partly from anger, partly from the pain. Damn weak Tylenol never helps. Then I remembered - I had my grandmother's cell phone. I was alone in a store with that fucking tyrant's cell phone. Hah. Maybe my luck isn't so bad after all. Of course there's only one thing left to do. . .

Call my sister. Oh, my sissy. I called her. As she described to me why she was in a fight with her dad, obviously upset, I couldn't help but smile. Not because I was happy that she was upset - of course not. Just to hear her voice. It made me feel so. . . alive. Like it does every time. Like I'm loved, and like I love someone else more than anything in the world.

And, Phoebe, for that I love you, and thank you.

Love, Pai

Finding Myself & Letting Go

Since my last post, things have changed a lot. I've found a new love, gained and lost friends and family. . . and accepted my insanity.

Yeah, I know I'm insane. I'm emo, I'm probably psychopathic, and I'm just plain weird. But for the first time in my life. . . I honestly don't care. I really, really, don't give a fuck about it anymore. There's nothing about me I care about. The only things I care about now are the few friends and family who I still trust and who still give me reason to trust them.

I've learned that the only thing you can ever really care about, are those people who will never let you down. Once you start investing your emotion elsewhere. . . you're gonna get hurt. Bad. Because the truth is, the others you care about don't care about you.

When you give your heart to the wrong person, you get lied to, hacked, broken hearted, kicked to the curb, used, and eventually thrown away and forgotten.

That happened to me. And when it did, I fought back. I fought back until it damn near killed me. I lied and cheated right back at the people who lied to and cheated me. I let go of some of the people I loved most. . . but would never do anything but hurt me. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. . . and I think it hurt worse than anything they could've done.

The only way to deal with that, I find, is to stop caring, and hope that you chose the right friends to trust with your heart. And if I didn't. . . Well I just hope I did.

But no matter what happens, I'm still who I am.

Love, Pai...

The crazy emo bitch.

The Life of an Emo Teen Girl

My name is Paige Avril Swift, and I have been living with undiagnosed depression (and, from what I've been told by my ex-boyfriends, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder) since I was 14.

I've never known my father, and my mother abandoned me when I was 2 years old to go live a life of marijuana and lesbianism; I was raised by my controlling grandmother and have a hate for her that burns like fire in hell.

I came to IRC in 2008 in search of friendship and love. I was cast out by many and called a slut, attention whore, and so much more. I nearly lost my life in those days; but in spite of that I gained more than I'd ever dreamed: I gained a family.

In the year and a half I have been online, I have "adopted" parents, siblings, uncles, and children. These people have kept me alive.

I am 16 now, and while I still struggle through life, I am better now than I was. I credit my life and whatever happiness I have to those adoptive family members and friends who have stood by me and gave me more love than I had ever believed possible.

In later posts, I will address issues of depression, emotions, love, loss, and other issues facing people like me. I will also use this blog as a personal diary to let people know my emotions as I go through life. This blog is not meant to whine about my emotions, or to draw sympathy, but rather to publicize my story in hopes of helping others in my situation, even if it's just to let them know they're not alone, and to thank those who have helped me through the tough times in my life.

You'll never know how much you mean to me.


Love, Pai