Is It Worth It?

Is it really worth it to tell the truth if it makes you lose everything? Because it might.

So, lying is the right way to go then? Actually, no. That'll cost you everything too.

Everything you say, everything you do, puts you at risk to lose everything you love. Whether it's money, friendship, love. . . Or even life. . . You could lose it before you even really know what you lost.

The easy solution seems to be, keep it all locked up inside. Keep everyone out, and if they never know how you feel, or if you even feel anything, maybe you won't lose them. Maybe you'll be safe. And, who knows, maybe that's true.

But then won't you be losing yourself? If nobody ever gets close to you, maybe you won't feel the hurt of losing them, but you won't feel the joy of having them to begin with. And how can you just keep your real self from the people you love? Shouldn't they wan't to know who you really are?

Some do, and some don't.

I think it's a cycle in life, you're going to lose some people you love no matter what you do. And you're always going to screw up, saying the wrong thing at the same time. There are always going to be regrets and sadness in life, just as there are always going to be happiness and love.

The only thing you can do is hope the ones you love will be understanding, and apologize for those times you lose control.

It's tough, but it's life. And life is a hard thing to deal with. But is it worth it?

. . . Let me get back to you on that one.

Love, Pai.

Be My Valentine

I know Valentine's Day was yesterday, but you never can get the full effect of how the day went until it's over, right?

I celebrated Valentine's Day by crying my eyes out after getting dumped the day before.

My mom celebrated Valentine's Day by getting high, and ending up needing paramedics.

My sister celebrated Valentine's Day by eating Mini-Wheats and getting ready for her gallstone surgery (which, by the way, happened today.)

Great holiday, don't you think? No candy, no flowers, no romance. Just pain, boredom, and disappointment.

This month, I actually considered leaving all social networking, including email and IRC. And if it weren't for the guilt of leaving the few friends I have who actually seem to want me here, I would have.

I guess I should be happy. Today, I got the best news I've gotten all month. I got named one of the "Freaks Of The Day" by a Facebook fan page called "if people could hear what i was thinking they would think im a freak (:."

Which, actually, was pretty cool.

Though it makes me wonder. . . . What does that say about me? Something to think about, I guess.

But hey, when my life is this pathetic, at least I can always look forward to more of one of my favorite past times: spewing sarcasm.

Isn't that just lovely?

Love, Pai

One Of *THOSE* Days. . .

You ever wonder why you even get up in the morning? Yeah me too. Why not just lie in the little corner I woke up with til I die? Nobody really cares anyway. My boyfriend seems to think I've left him, and never loved him (which is odd, considering ever since I found out he was leaving IRC, I've been completely out of my mind), and it seems like everyone's turning against me. What's the goddamn point when it's like that?

I've been considering leaving IRC, and Facebook, and my blog. I'll give it til the next time I can connect (probably after Valentine's Day, which is going to suck especially bad this year) and then, if things don't turn out, I'm gone.

Just in case that happens, I apologize to my loyal followers - which apparently I have - and to my friends, however few I still have left.

If not, you'll see another blog post as soon as possible.

Love you guys.

Love, Pai