Anger, Love, and the Future

Hey kids. I haven't blogged in a while, and I'm a bit rusty. So, without further adieu, let's rock this thing.

Since my last post, I have had a lot of bat shit thrown in my general direction. But I was never allowed to fight back. I mean, after all, for not to enjoy fully every heartbreak, that's some sort of crime!

A so-called "family member" I hadn't seen since Christmas 2008 has a stroke. I visit him in the hospital, and he doesn't even have enough appreciation for me to call and let me know he was going home.

Be happy about that, PaiPai.

My most recent ex tells me that, when we were together, while I was making excuses for him, making myself believe that he did care for me, he was just busy. . . . He didn't want to tell me how he was feeling either. I suppose I didn't deserve to know.

Smile anyway, Paigey.

My grandmother. Well, do I even need to explain her?

Revel in the beauty of it, Paigester.

And the future doesn't look so bright either, except for one thing. One beautiful, delightful, perfect thing.

When I think of what career I might have, I see myself working hard and never having time for the things I enjoy. I see myself hating my job and my life.

When I think of myself in a relationship, I see me getting dumped again, like always, and trying to deal with the pain.

But when I think of me with my friends, I see everything falling into place. I see my sisters, brothers, mom, daughter, and all my adoptive family and friends; this tight-knit group, like a spider's web, intertwining pieces that stay together and stay strong, even when they're hanging by a tiny string.

I see myself happy. I see everything I ever wanted.

And that, kids, is what keeps me going.

Love, Pai

Is It Worth It?

Is it really worth it to tell the truth if it makes you lose everything? Because it might.

So, lying is the right way to go then? Actually, no. That'll cost you everything too.

Everything you say, everything you do, puts you at risk to lose everything you love. Whether it's money, friendship, love. . . Or even life. . . You could lose it before you even really know what you lost.

The easy solution seems to be, keep it all locked up inside. Keep everyone out, and if they never know how you feel, or if you even feel anything, maybe you won't lose them. Maybe you'll be safe. And, who knows, maybe that's true.

But then won't you be losing yourself? If nobody ever gets close to you, maybe you won't feel the hurt of losing them, but you won't feel the joy of having them to begin with. And how can you just keep your real self from the people you love? Shouldn't they wan't to know who you really are?

Some do, and some don't.

I think it's a cycle in life, you're going to lose some people you love no matter what you do. And you're always going to screw up, saying the wrong thing at the same time. There are always going to be regrets and sadness in life, just as there are always going to be happiness and love.

The only thing you can do is hope the ones you love will be understanding, and apologize for those times you lose control.

It's tough, but it's life. And life is a hard thing to deal with. But is it worth it?

. . . Let me get back to you on that one.

Love, Pai.

Boredom, Backgrounds, And Blogging About Bollocks.

Okay, so I'm sitting her completely bored and with no idea what to write. Why am I sitting here writing anyway, you ask? What, do I think I'm that important, that people will wanna read my blog, even if it's filled with complete and utter bollocks? What an arrogant prick, who do I think I am, hones--


Woa, woa, hold your horses there. Before we get into name-calling, let's get a few things straight. No, I don't think I'm that important. In fact I seriously doubt anyone even reads this blog. No, I'm not arrogant, I don't think I'm anybody, just another bored emo wanting something to do.


The truth is, I'm just sitting here writing this because I love writing. There's something magical about my fingers touching the keys, and watching my thoughts appear on the screen. I'm addicted to the written word, and I absolutely adore creating it.


So, here's me, blogging, creating written word - even if nobody cares. At least I do.


Boooorrrredddd. What a word. Boredom makes us do insane things, like run around naked, or huff pipe glue (I only sniffed it a little!). For me, it made me climb ontop of my swingset then change my XChat background picture to a picture of emos making out. By the way, what do you think?

It kinda reminds me of me and Jay a little. Not sure why. For one, he doesnt have a nose ring. I'd kick his ass if he did.

Boredom also makes me Google image search. When I'm boredny, or bored + horny, usually porn helps. But today, I was TOTALLY bored. So instead, I Googled for Disney pictures. Ones from cartoons. Also, what the hell, am I obsessed, or does every single picture I see look like me and Jay?

Oh well. Either way, it's adorable. I love you Jay!

Love, Pai

First Kiss, Flawless, Fearless.

There I am, in the middle of Belfast, in front of a small pub called O'McBrian's. I'm standing there alone, waiting for the man I love.

He's not here. Why hasn't he come yet? He should be here. He told me he'd meet me here.

The clock keeps ticking. My lovesick eyes find him in everyone who passes me. . . but none of them are him.

Now I'm getting worried. What if he bails? What if he's standing me up? What if this is some cruel joke, and I've went across an entire ocean to get played?

He'll come. He has to. He'll come. . . Won't he? Oh, God, this is really sucking now.

It's been so long. . . Here come the tears. Someone get an umbrella, the waterworks are coming.

Now I'm on the damn dirty ground with my tears flowing like rain. How great is that, huh?

Why am I even doing this? This is such bullsh-- There he is. He's right there in front of me now, wouldn't you know he'd wait until I look so terrib-- And he kisses me. I'm in his arms and he's kissing me. Awesome. This kiss is like. . . I don't have the words to describe it. But this song is in my head:

"Well you stood there with me in the doorway
My hands shake
I'm not usually this way but
You pull me in & I’m a little more brave
It’s the first kiss, it's flawless, really somethin’, it’s fearless"~Taylor Swift

Best. Dream. Ever.

I love ya, Jay. I'm dedicating this post to you.

Love, Pai

Finding Myself & Letting Go

Since my last post, things have changed a lot. I've found a new love, gained and lost friends and family. . . and accepted my insanity.

Yeah, I know I'm insane. I'm emo, I'm probably psychopathic, and I'm just plain weird. But for the first time in my life. . . I honestly don't care. I really, really, don't give a fuck about it anymore. There's nothing about me I care about. The only things I care about now are the few friends and family who I still trust and who still give me reason to trust them.

I've learned that the only thing you can ever really care about, are those people who will never let you down. Once you start investing your emotion elsewhere. . . you're gonna get hurt. Bad. Because the truth is, the others you care about don't care about you.

When you give your heart to the wrong person, you get lied to, hacked, broken hearted, kicked to the curb, used, and eventually thrown away and forgotten.

That happened to me. And when it did, I fought back. I fought back until it damn near killed me. I lied and cheated right back at the people who lied to and cheated me. I let go of some of the people I loved most. . . but would never do anything but hurt me. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. . . and I think it hurt worse than anything they could've done.

The only way to deal with that, I find, is to stop caring, and hope that you chose the right friends to trust with your heart. And if I didn't. . . Well I just hope I did.

But no matter what happens, I'm still who I am.

Love, Pai...

The crazy emo bitch.