Anger, Love, and the Future

Hey kids. I haven't blogged in a while, and I'm a bit rusty. So, without further adieu, let's rock this thing.

Since my last post, I have had a lot of bat shit thrown in my general direction. But I was never allowed to fight back. I mean, after all, for not to enjoy fully every heartbreak, that's some sort of crime!

A so-called "family member" I hadn't seen since Christmas 2008 has a stroke. I visit him in the hospital, and he doesn't even have enough appreciation for me to call and let me know he was going home.

Be happy about that, PaiPai.

My most recent ex tells me that, when we were together, while I was making excuses for him, making myself believe that he did care for me, he was just busy. . . . He didn't want to tell me how he was feeling either. I suppose I didn't deserve to know.

Smile anyway, Paigey.

My grandmother. Well, do I even need to explain her?

Revel in the beauty of it, Paigester.

And the future doesn't look so bright either, except for one thing. One beautiful, delightful, perfect thing.

When I think of what career I might have, I see myself working hard and never having time for the things I enjoy. I see myself hating my job and my life.

When I think of myself in a relationship, I see me getting dumped again, like always, and trying to deal with the pain.

But when I think of me with my friends, I see everything falling into place. I see my sisters, brothers, mom, daughter, and all my adoptive family and friends; this tight-knit group, like a spider's web, intertwining pieces that stay together and stay strong, even when they're hanging by a tiny string.

I see myself happy. I see everything I ever wanted.

And that, kids, is what keeps me going.

Love, Pai

First Kiss, Flawless, Fearless.

There I am, in the middle of Belfast, in front of a small pub called O'McBrian's. I'm standing there alone, waiting for the man I love.

He's not here. Why hasn't he come yet? He should be here. He told me he'd meet me here.

The clock keeps ticking. My lovesick eyes find him in everyone who passes me. . . but none of them are him.

Now I'm getting worried. What if he bails? What if he's standing me up? What if this is some cruel joke, and I've went across an entire ocean to get played?

He'll come. He has to. He'll come. . . Won't he? Oh, God, this is really sucking now.

It's been so long. . . Here come the tears. Someone get an umbrella, the waterworks are coming.

Now I'm on the damn dirty ground with my tears flowing like rain. How great is that, huh?

Why am I even doing this? This is such bullsh-- There he is. He's right there in front of me now, wouldn't you know he'd wait until I look so terrib-- And he kisses me. I'm in his arms and he's kissing me. Awesome. This kiss is like. . . I don't have the words to describe it. But this song is in my head:

"Well you stood there with me in the doorway
My hands shake
I'm not usually this way but
You pull me in & I’m a little more brave
It’s the first kiss, it's flawless, really somethin’, it’s fearless"~Taylor Swift

Best. Dream. Ever.

I love ya, Jay. I'm dedicating this post to you.

Love, Pai